Preparing for Kindergarten (or preparing for September after a summer at home!)
Allow your child to experience conflict—don’t rush in to save your child. When kids have been allowed to engage in conflict with siblings and peers, they are more prepared for the stress of Kindergarten. These kids have thicker skin, are less troubled by other children and able to self-manage better on the playground. Support your child by modeling problem solving strategies, identifying big emotions and coaching your child in how to use words to solve problems. Around 4, or when your child is developmentally ready, begin to use language like “Kid problem” and “Grown-Up” problem, or “Small problem and “Big problem”. When tattling begins, you can say, “That sounds like a kid problem! I can’t wait to see how you solve that problem, go try it out and come back and tell me how it went.” Then debrief with your child about strategies he/she tried. Call your child a “problem solver” frequently.
Model excitement. I love the saying “Act, don’t yak.” We can tell our child that school will be fantastic, but they are going to absorb far more of our actions than our words. It’s so easy to say “Mommy’s baby is growing up and going to leave for Kindergarten!” or for your child to overhear you saying “I’m just going to lose it when I drop him off for his first day.” Instead, embrace the story of your Kindergarten child. This is a great time to share your own funny memories or favorite experiences from school. Early in the summer, begin frequent talk about Kindergarten and identify character traits that will help your child be successful. “You are such a hard worker, you’re going to love doing worksheets” or “you are such a funny kid, I just know everyone will think you’re hilarious!”
Visit the school—take a picnic to the school playground, peek in windows, walk your route to school as a family. PTAs often host play dates in the park—participate in these and any other summer time activities. You could also attend a school event (ice cream social, etc) in the Spring if you have a friend with a school age child that you could join.
Play school! Set up your own school room and play school with your child. Put stuffed animals in rows on the carpet for story time. Take turns being the teacher and singing the alphabet, talking about the weather, lining up for recess. Make it fun!
Prepare for big changes in your child. I could barely recognize my daughter for the first 4 months of Kindergarten. It costs children so much to be “on” all day—the job of following directions and focusing all day is enormous for little ones. When your child returns to the safety of your home, you may see behaviors that you haven’t seen since the toddler years—this is very normal. Your child trusts you and feels safe to let it all out. After a BIG snack, have a quiet time after school with few expectations so your child can decompress. Early bedtimes in Kindergarten are key—most kids need to be in bed at 7.
Separation Anxiety
Find special ways to help your child feel connected to you during the school day.
· Check out the story “The Kissing Hand.” This is a wonderful story of a baby raccoon who is nervous to leave him mom and begin school. They kiss each other’s palms before leaving and carry around the kiss throughout the school day. This works well for kids with big imaginations.
· In the morning, my husband rubs my daughter’s wrist on his face and she carries around the scent of his after-shave throughout the day.
· Put notes in his lunchbox. Allow your child to hide a special note for you too.
You can do some play therapy if you recognize anxiety in your child. Get out your teddy bears and little people and pretend that teddy is riding the school bus or teddy is at recess and needs to go potty. Narrate your child’s play—she may act out fears or worries that can give you some insight into what is troubling your child.
When your child is having problems at school
Listen without judgment and resist the urge to advise. Certainly none of us moms would think of ourselves as judging our kids, but it is so easy to want to share our own wisdom with our children. We remember our own struggles through childhood, and we have great ideas or we want to help our children avoid mistakes that we have made. As a counselor, when I give kids great ideas to try at recess to address a problem, they will almost never try my idea or try it with any success. But when I listen, and rephrase and saying things like “I wonder…” and allow that child to come up with his own ideas, he is much more likely to try out that idea and experience success. Not only have I empowered that child, but I’ve coached them with skills for solving future problems. This is also the best time to lay a foundation of respect with your children—to be a safe person to talk to so that when those tumultuous teen years arrive, you will be an ally for your children, not a critic.
Let the school handle discipline. When your child is getting in trouble at school, you may go into fix mode—calling family meetings about the problem, taking away privileges, or daily talks about the behavior. It’s the same feeling as when your child hits another child on the playground—it can feel embarrassing or feel like a reflection on our parenting—so we go into fix mode. But the school is well equipped to redirect your child’s behavior, impose consequences or other limits. Let the school do its job. Your job, then, is to fill your child up with as much love and encouragement as possible. Your child should know that you are communicating with the teacher and aware of what is going on and that you have high expectations for behavior, but beyond that, think of your responsibilities as increasing snuggle time, building in one-on-one time, showering your child with words of praise and affirmation. When you have spent the evening filing up your child with unconditional love, you have prepared them to face their day and given them strength to try again.
Be visible in the community. In the fall—begin finding ways to be connected to the school community. Help in your child’s classroom, introduce yourself personally to the principal (you’ll probably have to be the one to reach out beyond a smile or hello), be visible in the office area making copies or doing other projects. When you have built a relationship, it is much easier to make requests and address problems later on. There will be a feeling of togetherness when you raise concerns.
Address problems with the school respectfully. We have all felt “mama bear” come out, even the meekest of us. I have worked with so many parents and fielded calls of all kinds of concerns. The more positive you are and the more the school views you as a partner, the better your results will be from the school. But there is more than that. We have an opportunity as moms and Christians to model love and grace for our children, their peers and the school community. Perhaps a child is being bullied. 99% of families will say—“my child is being bullied, what is the school going to do to address this problem?” I’ll never forget the call I got from a father three years ago. His daughter was being bullied by a student. He told me how they had been helping their daughter stand up for herself and ask adults for help but that the problem was continuing. He asked if as a school we would support his daughter by intervening. But he went beyond that to say that they had been talking to their daughter about loving this boy, praying for him, recognizing that his life at home was difficult. They were planning to invite him over after school because they knew his life was difficult. I felt so blessed to witness this posture of grace, and I know that the classroom teacher and the boy’s family were touched as well. It’s important to request help and set boundaries, but embrace these opportunities to show God’s character. People will see and feel from your family that something is different. Something very good and very grace-filled.
Playdates, playdates, playdates. Your child may have a lot of family or neighborhood friends. But to help your child feel comfortable in class, organize as many playdates for your child as you can, especially in the fall. You can even invite over a classmate who has been unkind to your child in the past—this can help your kids find things in common and perhaps deter future conflict.
